So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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