Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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