I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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