Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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