I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
