Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
