The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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