she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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