Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
