No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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