my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
