Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
