dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
