peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
