The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
