he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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