Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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