There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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