You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
