I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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