I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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