There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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