I puked a lego.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
