My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
