how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
