he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
