If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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