You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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