Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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