I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
