so explain again why im purple
no
someone get that fucking seahorse.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
