If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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