why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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