Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
