i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
