It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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