I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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