I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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