he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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