I puked a lego.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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