I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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