How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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