Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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