can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
