Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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