clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
