Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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