come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
