I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
