i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Randomize
